Contently and courageously alone

"The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude."

-- Aldous Huxley

By J. Basil Dannebohm

They say if you have a handful of true friends, you’re doing good. If that’s true, I’m not doing so good. I had two good friends for much of my adult life. Both men were trustworthy and admirable. Like me, both were registered Republican and Democrat at some point in their life but had since become Independent. Both were also fiercely devoted to their faith at one point. As Donald Trump rose to power the first time, both men grew increasingly dismayed by what had become of the nation. The hatred, bigotry, and division they witnessed lay heavy on their hearts. In 2024, both began to see the writing on the wall: America is not coming back from the sting of MAGA anytime soon. As it became increasingly obvious that Donald Trump was likely returning to power, both men (who were strangers to one another) took their own lives within a few months of each other. Neither could handle what was inevitably in store for America. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I miss them and now find myself without any “close friends.”

Since moving to the greater Washington DC metro, I haven’t made any real friends. Our nation’s capital has never exactly been an easy place to forge authentic friendships. The last decade or so has only made it worse. The suburbs are, for the most part, as fiercely divided as the halls of Congress. So, I keep to myself.

My family resides in Kansas. Sadly, like nearly half our nation, they consumed the MAGA Kool-Aid. We haven’t been on speaking terms for quite some time – and that’s a good thing. Returning “home” isn’t an option. Most of my hometown has likewise become inebriated by right-wing rhetoric. Given my disdain for everything Donald Trump represents, if I weren’t already held in low regard, I would almost certainly be instantaneously ostracized.

I used to find comfort in my faith. These days I can’t bring myself to darken the doorstep of a church. Sadly, many of my Greek Orthodox brothers and sisters have embraced the far-right’s Christian Nationalism. Even our archbishop, who was once criticized by members of the flock for his flagrant liberalism, has cozied up to the Trump regime, accepting an appointment to a Presidential Advisory Committee and making regular visits to the White House for photo ops and executive order signing ceremonies.

In his book, “The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness,” Ichiro Kishimi writes, “Loneliness is having other people and society and community around you, and having a deep sense of being excluded from them.”

Even though I’m admittedly lonely and certainly disliked by many, I still find that I’m remarkably happy. Being disliked, Kishimi notes, “is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles.”

During my brief stint as a legislator, I was known as a person who stood firm in his principles, which often meant going against my party. A decade later, I remain somebody who will never compromise my convictions for the sake of belonging.

In their book, “Belonging Without Othering,” John A. Powell and Stephen Menendian note, “Like many important ideas, belonging is a complex, multifaceted, and multidimensional concept … One of the classic definitions is the ‘satisfaction of an individual’s need to be personally involved with their environment and to feel part of a larger social entity—socially embedded.’ ... In many ways, these efforts are similar to the efforts to measure and define ‘happiness,’ which is also a highly subjective experience and eludes a specific and singular definition.”

Though it’s taken me some time to fully understand, happiness is indeed “highly subjective.” I’ve gained a sense of peace having realized that I don’t need to be personally involved with or feel socially embedded in my environment to be happy.

When it comes to writing about current events, I’ve found that it’s best to observe but not absorb what is happening. Being an Independent means that I write about both sides -- which means that I’m often disliked by both sides. But as Kishimi observes, “The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.”

Dr. Brené Brown wrote, “True belonging doesn’t require that we change who we are. It requires that we be who we are.”

Perhaps someday I’ll “belong” and have authentic friends again. For now, I’m courageously content knowing exactly who I am.